Julie's Journal

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Wow. Sorry, I know it has been a while since I have posted. Lots had happened. I guess I will get to all of that slowly. First let me explain a little bit.

I have always been one that has avoided confrontation.......mostly. I know I can get a bit hostile at times, usually when I have been drinking. But, normally, I try not to cause too much fuss. I don't really know why. Maybe because it is easier. Maybe I am scared of what people will say. Maybe I would rather be the peace maker. Maybe I am just weak. I, truthfully, am not sure.

My parents were never ones to talk about their feelings. Never ones to say "I Love You". Never ones to just hug you for no reason. Not that they were cruel. Just not the type to be extra .......I hate to say loving, but...... not the type to be very loving. Don't get me wrong. I know they loved me. I do know that. To this day, I know that. They were just raised differently. Their parents never spoke to them about love and feelings and such. So they never knew to talk to my brother and I about all of that stuff. Put it this way............... I found about about the birds and the bees from a book under my parents mattress that was probably for my brother. One of those cartoon/educational books. I think they had it for him. Now, they never told him about it. He just found it and then told he shared it with me. It's kinda like they thought if we found it, great! If not, then it will be OK too. But, what if we wouldn't have found it? Then what? How would we have learned all that stuff that kids NEED to know??? Anyway, that is a whole different story.

I don't even know where this post is going. All I know is that I am going crazy keeping it all inside.

I have ONE close friend, Amanda. She knows almost everything about me. I know I can talk to her, but I have trouble being that open at times. I know I can trust her. I know that. I love her like a sister. She is my sister in my heart. I hope she feels the same about me. She has no problem telling me all of her deepest secrets and problems that she is going through. I know I should talk to her. But, again, it is easier to just keep quiet and suppress all of those thoughts and feeling that I am having.

But that gets hard. That is why I know I have to be more open. So, that is what I am trying to do here. I know sometimes it may not make much since. I just hope that it will keep me just a bit more sane. For my children. Because I know that I will have a better relationship with them than I did growing up with my parents. They will hear that they are loved. They will be helped with their homework. (I can work on that one some more) I will spend time with them and make them my priority. So they will know that they are loved and are special. I want them to know it is OK to talk about their feelings with others, even if it is something they are not happy or proud of. That is the only way they can move on from it.

Again, sorry for the rambling. I will post again soon and give more details into my screwed up life. Thanks for listening. Even if no one is listening, it helps to think someone may be.


Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sorry about the delay in posting. I have been quite lazy since Thanksgiving. But I am moving around more now, so I should be able to update a bit more often.

First, I would like to send a HUGE thanks out to Jennifer of http://threesons.clubmom.com/ for the kind word of support and encouragement. It is so nice to know that there are people who care, even if they don't know me that well. She sent me quite a few new readers to sent me good thoughts also. They really did help so much.

I really liked what Gillian said. That I should be strong for my children, but it was not necessary to be strong on my blog. It is nice to know that I can release that frustration/hurt here so I can be a better mom for my children. I don't want my children to suffer just because their father and I could not make things work between us. I told him today that he was more than welcome to come over Christmas morning for when the kids opened their presents. He said that he thought we would not want him here. I told him that this was no longer about "us", but now my main priority was "them". He seem a bit surprised by that. He said he would get back with me about that.

We will probably be going to the attorney again this week. We need to get our papers filed before December 31th. Right now in Louisiana there is a 6 month wait before a divorce can be finalized. After Dec. 31th the wait is a mandatory 12 months. I do not want to drag this out for a whole year.

Well, that is pretty much the latest on all of that. I will have a pretty busy week. Friday and Saturday the kids are performing in the Nutcracker Ballet in Hammond so we have practice and dress rehearsals almost every day this week after school. Savanna is a girl soldier and Zachary is a boy soldier and party boy. This is our first year participating in the Nutcracker. I am really looking forward to it. The kids are very excited also.

We stayed home today and cleaned the house some. I wanted to put my Christmas tree up but we did not get that far. I told the kids I would get it out of the attic tomorrow and we would decorate it all together tomorrow night. Thankfully, they went for that!!! I hope I can get that tree down from the attic by myself. We shall see!

How about some good new? We did get our new puppy right before Thanksgiving. She is a long haired Chihuahua. We already have Mickey, our smooth coat male. Her name is Mina. She is sweet and very playful. The kids absolutely adore her!!! I will try to post some pictures of her soon. I have to track down my camera. I think it may be in the car? That is what I am hoping for anyway!

Alright, that is all of my news for right now. Thanks again for the kind words and support. It is appreciated more than you know!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Ok. I am doing a bit better right now. Don't get me wrong. I am not happy. But at least I am not crying every minute. Now it is only every 10 minutes. That is an improvement. I am still very hurt. But I know that I will not allow myself to be treated like that. I do not want my children growing up thinking it is OK to treat someone/be treated like that. Children learn what they see. I hope I am making the correct decision to move forward. I know that I can not just sit here and feel sorry for myself. I have 2 beautiful children to continue taking care of. One good thing (if you want to look at it that way) is that my husband is a truck driver, so he is not home everyday. They are used to him not being home everyday. I just think the Holidays will be tough. But, I am gonna do my best and help them through this. And they will help me also. They do have a kinda busy schedule that keeps us busy. They both take dance at least 3-4 days a week after school. And Saturday or Sunday afternoons. We are leaving this Friday around lunchtime to go to Houston for a dance competition and classes. So that will keep us busy this weekend. I don't know if we will drive home Sunday night, or stay until Monday and then come home. It is about a 5 hour drive. I guess we just wait and see how we feel Sunday. I have no idea what out plans are for Thanksgiving. I could bring the kids to my Moms. My other option would be heading back to Texas on Wednesday with my sister and her family. We would stay over there until Sunday. That would give me a few more days away. I don't know yet. My daughter Savanna said she wanted to go to her Maw-maws, so I guess we'll just see about that also.
I did pack my most of my husbands clothes today and put them out under the car porch. I told my sister-in-law to tell him is was out there for him. She said he came and stayed at her house last nite. His stuff is still here right now. He knows I will be out of town this weekend, so he may pick it up then. I don't care. I just didn't want to see all of his crap here. I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow afternoon to start discussing what needs to be done. I still can not believe all of this is happening.
I still have to find someone to watch my dogs this weekend. I will probably call my sister-in-law and ask her. She only lives about a mile away, so it is not hard for her to stop by and let them out for a while.
Ok, I am going to watch the Dancing with the Stars finalle I Tivo'ed. I hope Emmitt Smith wins. I really enjoyed his dancing this year.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Wow. I am amazed at how much can change in such a short amount of time. I guess I should have seen it coming. I know I have not been the best wife. But I tried. I am not perfect. Believe me, I know that. How ironic, of all days, today, on my 10 year wedding anniversary, I get told but my husband that he wants a divorce. He is tired of trying. Does not believe that I will change. Doesn't want to try. Funny how he does not remember to mention the fact that her has been talking to another woman for almost 2 months. And she is married also. How great is that. Yes, I was selfish, greedy, inconsiderate....and lots more. But I truely did love him. I was really trying to change my ways. I am terrible with money. That is all there is to it. I don't want to blame it on my parents. My mom always hide things from my dad. She was terrible with money. But that is not any excuse. It is my own fault. He has told me many times not to mess up, but I did not listen. I had to do it my way. This last time I messed up I knew I couldn't do it again. But apparently is was too late. I had already lost him. I just didn't want to see it. Boy, do I see it now. I know I have lost my family. We already told the kids. Oh my God......that killed me. But they seemed so brave. Scared, but brave. I don't feel brave. But I know I have to act brave. For them. For me. For us. I hope in the long run this will be for the best. How? I don't know. I guess only time will tell. Shit, I don't even have a job! I know this sounds like a big pity party, and I guess it is one. But that is what I need right now to make it feel just a baby bit better. (It will feel just a baby bit better, right?) 10 years. I thought that would only be the beginning. Not an ending.

Also, please send your prayers out to Jenn from www.threesons.clubmom.com
She is waiting news on her court date to bring home her Pineapple Princess from Russia. She and her family have been waiting for almost 2 years for this. They should hear something on Friday. I pray that this family will have their new baby girl home for the Holidays!

Jenn, here is a picture I saw and immediately thought of you. I hope it brings you and your family lots of luck!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Hi. I am new to this whole blogging world. Well, new to the actual posting my own thoughts. Not new to being a silent reader. My favorite blog is www.amalah.com I have been reading hers for about a year and a half now. I came across her thru www.snarkywood.com Isn't crazy how you feel like you know someone, even though I have never spoken with her. At all. Ever. I think I may have left a comment on one of her blogs....maybe...once.......probably when Noah was born.....but not quite sure. Since then, she has introduced me to a world of blogs. I have laughed, cried, almost peed on myself more that once, been so happy/sad/devestated for people I don't know more than most people that are in my daily "home" life. Then I started reading blogs at www.clubmom.com I great collection of sites. All moms, all of the time! Since I am a mom, I decided I would fit right in, right? I found a connection with Jennefer at www.threesons.clubmom.com She is waiting to get final travel dates for adopting a little girl from Russia. She already has 3 sons. What a wonderful person to be able and willing to do this for someone else....yeah, I guess she gets something out of it too!!!
Ok, That is a short summary of what got me to this point. Starting my own blog. I am not a writer. I have not gone to college. I am not the best speller, but I will try my bestest! (That is a joke, you can laugh now.) Will anyone besides me ever read this? Don't know. Does it matter? Nope. Just want to be able to write a few things down and get them out of my head cause there are already WAY too may voices locked up in there. And they so need to be heard!!
I am married. Almost 10 years now. I have three children. Taylor is 14. She is not of my blood, but she should have been. A bit of a drama queen! Savanna is 9. Again drama queen, but 100% my DNA. My son, Zachary is almost 7. As crazy as it may seem, he is about the most normal in the house. We also have Boudreaux, a 2 year old English Bulldog, and Mickey, our 10 month old Chihuahua. They are brothers from other mothers! They love each other. And yes, the chihuahua is in charge! Gotta go!