Wow. Sorry, I know it has been a while since I have posted. Lots had happened. I guess I will get to all of that slowly. First let me explain a little bit.

I have always been one that has avoided confrontation.......mostly. I know I can get a bit hostile at times, usually when I have been drinking. But, normally, I try not to cause too much fuss. I don't really know why. Maybe because it is easier. Maybe I am scared of what people will say. Maybe I would rather be the peace maker. Maybe I am just weak. I, truthfully, am not sure.

My parents were never ones to talk about their feelings. Never ones to say "I Love You". Never ones to just hug you for no reason. Not that they were cruel. Just not the type to be extra .......I hate to say loving, but...... not the type to be very loving. Don't get me wrong. I know they loved me. I do know that. To this day, I know that. They were just raised differently. Their parents never spoke to them about love and feelings and such. So they never knew to talk to my brother and I about all of that stuff. Put it this way............... I found about about the birds and the bees from a book under my parents mattress that was probably for my brother. One of those cartoon/educational books. I think they had it for him. Now, they never told him about it. He just found it and then told he shared it with me. It's kinda like they thought if we found it, great! If not, then it will be OK too. But, what if we wouldn't have found it? Then what? How would we have learned all that stuff that kids NEED to know??? Anyway, that is a whole different story.

I don't even know where this post is going. All I know is that I am going crazy keeping it all inside.

I have ONE close friend, Amanda. She knows almost everything about me. I know I can talk to her, but I have trouble being that open at times. I know I can trust her. I know that. I love her like a sister. She is my sister in my heart. I hope she feels the same about me. She has no problem telling me all of her deepest secrets and problems that she is going through. I know I should talk to her. But, again, it is easier to just keep quiet and suppress all of those thoughts and feeling that I am having.

But that gets hard. That is why I know I have to be more open. So, that is what I am trying to do here. I know sometimes it may not make much since. I just hope that it will keep me just a bit more sane. For my children. Because I know that I will have a better relationship with them than I did growing up with my parents. They will hear that they are loved. They will be helped with their homework. (I can work on that one some more) I will spend time with them and make them my priority. So they will know that they are loved and are special. I want them to know it is OK to talk about their feelings with others, even if it is something they are not happy or proud of. That is the only way they can move on from it.

Again, sorry for the rambling. I will post again soon and give more details into my screwed up life. Thanks for listening. Even if no one is listening, it helps to think someone may be.

Julie